Big boy

Cayden took his first steps without any help! Such a big boy. I had a feeling it was coming to that point. He is able to stand on my bed with out me holding him anywhere and that in its self is a task. Watch out world Cayden is getting ready to walk on his own!

void of emotions

Have you ever been just void of emotions?

That's how I feel today. I slept through church today. Its okay, I didn't have any obligations today. It was nice knowing no one was counting on me being there. I'm just trying to deal with some crap other than my FM. I've just lost a friend, no they didn't die or anything, we've just stopped talking for reasons unknown to me, but whatever. It just hard to deal with. I was really close to that person. Their loss not mine, they lost out on an amazing person.

I've been having better days, less down in the dumps. These past couple of days are just sad days.

I took Cayden into my room and he was sitting on my bed and I put up on the bed one of my Elephants. This elephant is from Disney Store and is all white. Cayden was all excited. Even during that time with him I was forcing a smile on my face.

People keep telling me that things will get better. I am just wondering, when will it happen? I am tired of waiting, tired of being hurt, tired of being stuck. I know I will become unstuck eventually. I just want to be free a little bit. People try to comfort me but it doesn't work. I don't want any pity party either. I just want to someone will be there, other than my friends and family. I am asking too much, that's all.

Well I'll update later.

Whats going on

Well, today I pre-ordered my copy of Twilight! I'm only slightly excited. I've read all the books in the series. There will be a viewing party at Amy's house. But I will be viewing it before hand. hehe!

Today I also learned that I can put most of my hair in a pony tail and then use those claw clip things to hold my hair. Yay! I'm working towards my long hair again. Next step in the growth is when I have to pull it out from when I put a shirt on. I'm looking forward to it. Then I will be able to french braid it. I'm very excited about it. I miss my long hair. I don't miss the thickness. A blessed curse from which came from my Madre's side of the family. I will always have enough hair.

That all I can think of. I am craving some sushi. OOO Amy.

week 1

Well this is week on on my new pain medicine. So far so good. They take my pain away but I am still getting used to the 'high' feeling. I've been dealing with nausea and such but that is getting better. So I am glad I'm getting relief. I've been catching up on sleep. Which I've needed. I get hot flashes from it tho. Oh well.
I haven't been eating that much. I maybe get one meal a day. I'm just not hungry. I have been eating better. This morning I actually had breakfast. So I am getting stuff to eat its just not a whole lot.
Yesterday I stopped by the nursery after sunday school to see Cayden. I picked him up and then I had to go because I was doing the projectors. I'm closing the gate and I hear him screw/shout, "aNNNNNN." Which is his sound for me, more of a 'N' sound. I think it comes from me being called Auntie. He was so upset that I was leaving him there. So now I have not go in there.
Last night I went to see him down in his room that he shares with his parents. Well he needed a diaper change. Let me give you some background on this next part. My mom coughs a lot from her asthma. So thats how we find each other in stores. I have to fake cough to find her. Well back to changing diaper. I was holding his hands up above his head so he wouldn't touch down in diaper zone. I would start fake coughing and Cayden would copy it, followed by laughing. He is already learning to fake cough. Its really cute.
He is very smart. He waves bye bye, fake coughs, can sign 'more', almost walking, cut his first tooth, says 'i ni ni' when he gets really tired. That's all I can think of right now I know there is more but my mind is drawing a blank.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

PS- My friend/former co-worker Kirsten, her brother's wife Emily delievered their daughter, Elise Laine at 27 and 6/7 weeks. So please keep them in your prayers. Kirsten is also pregnant with her second child, pray that everything goes well with that. You can check out their blogs to see how they are both doing.

changes

Well, today I called my doctor and wanted to try this new pain mtg protocol. So this may just be gibberish to most people but here is what my idea is. There is an extended release morphine, where it releases slowly so its a constant flow of morphine. There is also a quick release morphine, where is in your body very quickly. My idea with the help of input from other chronic pain people is to try this extended release morphine with using the quick release one for break through pain. I was hoping that my doctor would give me the chance of trying this without any questions and she did. So now I am now trying this mixture. I hope it helps I'm so tired of hurting so much that I can't really function. Or when I function its in short bursts. I miss the old me. The one who didn't have to worry about hurting or functioning or whatever. Well that is my story and I'm sticking to it!

Ugh

Well seeing as its saturday and I had my wonderful flare up on thursday, you'd assume that I'm not hurting as much. Well I am not hurting that much but I am still hurting. Life is kinda sucking. I'm running low on pain pills so I am rationing I have to wait for monday to get my refill. I'm dealing. I may skip church on sunday. Haven't decided yet. But who knows. I need to work on gettiny my pain levels down. hopefully seeing this pain managment specialist will help some. I'm trying so hard to not let my pain levels get me down. Its just hard most days. I'd love to be out doing things but I have a hard time. Oh well. Things don't always work out the way we want. Thursday it was like my body had a migrane. Its coming back today. Oh well. I just have to deal. My doctor isn't in the office today and there is nothing they can do for me w/o her approval. Stupid opitate therapy plan. I mean its good but my plan right now is so innaffective. And I don't know how to have it work effectivly for me. So hopefully pain mtg will help me with that. Enough of me venting.

Pain, pain go away, don't come back another day.

Excuse my french. Today was HELL. I was doing great this morning then all of sudden I started hurting. So it ramped up and eventually hit 9 3/4 on a pain scale of 10. I didn't know what to do. Basically I can't go be seen at urgent care or emergency room because I have an opiate therapy plan which basically means only my Primary doctor can prescribe me narcotic drugs. Well today I ended up having to go get a injection of morphine to help bring my pain levels down. I am still hurting but I feel semi bit better. So for those who read this can you keep me in your prayers, I will be seeing a pain management specialist at the start of April. I hope this helps bring me some pain relief. I need it. Or at least find some combo or something to help some with the pain.

But there is some cuteness involved in this. My mom left work early to help me out today. She was holding Cayden and he looks at me with a look of concern. Like Aunt Lois what's the matter your not yourself. Then my mom put him down to play and he was very quiet and calm. Its amazing to see that happen in real life. We don't give babies the credit they deserve. They are smarter than we think and are able to pick up on things.