I wrote this on facebook

Well as many of you know that I've recent lost my health insurance, then sprained my ankle(same week), had to stop taking my pain meds(the next week). I felt quite alone. Wondering why this had to happen now, still don't have a clue other than God wanting it to happen. During that intense situation I handled it calmly and God worked an amazing miracle in me. He made it possible that I had no withdrawl symptoms. Going through the withdrawls is what scared me the most. But that didn't happen, God took care of me. God always has taken care of me.
So now two months after all this has happened, I'm still scared. I need to let God take full control. I need to stop being a back seat driver. I need to trust him that it's going to be okay. The trust thing is the scariest part. When I was younger I though I let God control my life and yet things kept happening that I had no control over or seemed fair. I tried it His way then I tried it my way. Either way things still happened to me that wasn't easy to handle. So now seeing and knowing that God can take crappy things and turn it into amazing things, it makes me wonder what is next.
I've been apart of a bible study at church with some of the women of our church and we are working our way through Traveling Light by Max Lucado. It has taught me that I don't need to carry all these extra burdens around, I have a savior who will carry them for me. But now it's putting it into practice.
God will make sure that if I do get sick or injured that there will be the right doors to open up for me, until then I've got to let God be God and do what He promised He would do, which is take care of His child.

Day 45

Title pretty much says it all. Today is day 45 without pain meds. There were days last week that I wanted to take a pain med to get some relief but I didn't. I realize that each day I make it without pain meds is a day that God's strength has allowed me to make it through the day. All I can do is pray that God will protect me and that he will provide what I need for that day. I've realized that this trial, without having health insurance is a time for me to release my control issues to God. I have no control of it. Well its more of a smacking me in the face telling me that I cannot control things as I'd like to that God is in control.

We've been talking about God reshaping us, and I know this is a time where God is reshaping me. It's kinda scary. I need to trust that everything will be safe. I want to see what God is going to do with my life. I need to trust in His plan for me.

I would love to go on a Missions trip but I don't know if my body could handle that. We will see of where God takes me.

What's next-

I've been experiencing a calling from God and I'm interested on how he will use me. I feel like when your a kid (okay I still feel like this) on Christmas morning so excited that you can't contain it and you just want to peek and see what it is. I really REALLY want to peek at whats to come.
I think only recently my faith has become truly real. Knowing that God wanted to work a miracle in me and he chose me to do this miracle when He didn't have to. Kinda reminds me that I am special enough for anyone. Being single has sucked at times, okay a lot of times, but knowing that God has someone who sees me and chooses me is going to be amazing. So I'll wait, I wont settle or at least I'll try not to settle. I can't wait to discover that love.
This year I wanted to get closer to God and I sure have. Learning more and more about all the many things he has in store for me I'm so excited.

Wow

So I tend to forget that I have this thing.

Well on March 19th I took my last dose of Morphine, which I used for my pain control. I was scared of what would happen to me during this detox process and God worked a miracle in me. I had little to no withdrawal symptoms. The worst that happened to me was a headache that turned into a migraine.
For those who don't know most people who go off morphine get shakes, puking and etc. I had none of that. Also as the same time I came off Cymbalta and other meds, kinda exciting.

Now you are wondering if your off pain meds do you feel better? Yes and no. I am in pain but I just have to deal with it. My temper is increased and I know this and am cautious. My speech has gone some as well. Why? Well imagine you have a 4yr old constantly bugging you non stop, your speech would be impaired too. The 4yr old is my pain. I just deal. God will get me through this.

EDIT- To answer your question Sonja, no I wont be going back onto pain meds. I don't plan on going back them for the long run. Just take it day by day.

on my mind

I'm not looking for sympathy, this is just what is on my mind.


Some days, well actually most, I wonder what did I do to become so lucky to enjoy the benefits of having FM. It's hard most days to keep going, but then Cayden says cute stuff like, "my lala."
What I've noticed about people they ask, "How are you doing?" How do I reply? "Truth is I'm in constant pain and I can't remember the last time I'm didn't feel pain." or "Well today I actually took a shower and got dressed to look like nothing is really wrong when it was so much work." I want to tell people that I'm tired of fighting, tired of pushing, tired of hurting, tired of being alone.
When I respond, "I'm upright and mobile." It gives a basic over view. When people want to know more I'll tell them just enough but its saddening that I can't respond positively when they ask. I'm trying to do everything that has been shown to work for some, but it doesn't for me.

I'm discouraged. I keep going but for how much longer? I'm like a car running on fumes, you know when you are running on empty and you should be out of gas right then but some how your still going. Yeah that's me. I'm running on empty and I don't know how much longer I can go.

Earlier this week after my assessment for the clinical trial for yoga for FM, I couldn't walk. My assessment was on Wed morning, Thursday yeah walking was BAD, like I was on the verge of throwing up the pain was so bad, lasted all day. Friday I could actually bend my legs without wanting to cry. Saturday was the first day I could walk without any limp and very slight pain but easily fatigued in my legs aka jelly feeling like.

Wondering what caused this?? Going from sitting to standing w/o assistance as many times as I could in 2 min. Good thing I didn't have to count. I think I got somewhere between 15-20 reps. This simple task caused that much pain. Not fair is it?? Welcome to my world.


Seeing as it is almost 3:30am and my alarm is going to sound at 7:30ish for me to get ready for church and such and to get my mom off my case, I need to attempt to sleep. That's another perk of having FM, not really being able to sleep.

Holidays

Thanksgiving has come and gone and now I am getting ready for Christmas. I will be having a long Christmas, first performance is on the 5th @ The Grotto "Christmas Festival of Lights

In which I do have a solo and yes I'm freaking out!

Then we have our church's Evening in December program, in which I will again have the same solo... we are running Evening in December for 3 nights. December 11th-13th which is Friday-Sunday Night. Its a great night full of comedy, carols, songs and a twist on the traditional Christmas story. Its a fun filled family night. That's all I can think of right now.

I forgot about this thing

Haha I totally forgot about this thing. Well I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've worked on the Church's website, been teaching ESL, working on my costume for Halloween, being an auntie and just trying to live.

Also I got a tattoo! woo I'm such a rebel

I love it!