on my mind

I'm not looking for sympathy, this is just what is on my mind.


Some days, well actually most, I wonder what did I do to become so lucky to enjoy the benefits of having FM. It's hard most days to keep going, but then Cayden says cute stuff like, "my lala."
What I've noticed about people they ask, "How are you doing?" How do I reply? "Truth is I'm in constant pain and I can't remember the last time I'm didn't feel pain." or "Well today I actually took a shower and got dressed to look like nothing is really wrong when it was so much work." I want to tell people that I'm tired of fighting, tired of pushing, tired of hurting, tired of being alone.
When I respond, "I'm upright and mobile." It gives a basic over view. When people want to know more I'll tell them just enough but its saddening that I can't respond positively when they ask. I'm trying to do everything that has been shown to work for some, but it doesn't for me.

I'm discouraged. I keep going but for how much longer? I'm like a car running on fumes, you know when you are running on empty and you should be out of gas right then but some how your still going. Yeah that's me. I'm running on empty and I don't know how much longer I can go.

Earlier this week after my assessment for the clinical trial for yoga for FM, I couldn't walk. My assessment was on Wed morning, Thursday yeah walking was BAD, like I was on the verge of throwing up the pain was so bad, lasted all day. Friday I could actually bend my legs without wanting to cry. Saturday was the first day I could walk without any limp and very slight pain but easily fatigued in my legs aka jelly feeling like.

Wondering what caused this?? Going from sitting to standing w/o assistance as many times as I could in 2 min. Good thing I didn't have to count. I think I got somewhere between 15-20 reps. This simple task caused that much pain. Not fair is it?? Welcome to my world.


Seeing as it is almost 3:30am and my alarm is going to sound at 7:30ish for me to get ready for church and such and to get my mom off my case, I need to attempt to sleep. That's another perk of having FM, not really being able to sleep.

Holidays

Thanksgiving has come and gone and now I am getting ready for Christmas. I will be having a long Christmas, first performance is on the 5th @ The Grotto "Christmas Festival of Lights

In which I do have a solo and yes I'm freaking out!

Then we have our church's Evening in December program, in which I will again have the same solo... we are running Evening in December for 3 nights. December 11th-13th which is Friday-Sunday Night. Its a great night full of comedy, carols, songs and a twist on the traditional Christmas story. Its a fun filled family night. That's all I can think of right now.

I forgot about this thing

Haha I totally forgot about this thing. Well I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've worked on the Church's website, been teaching ESL, working on my costume for Halloween, being an auntie and just trying to live.

Also I got a tattoo! woo I'm such a rebel

I love it!

Update

hmm, I'm still me, still in pain all the time but i keep on going. Cayden is learning more and more signs. I'm enjoying reading lots and lots of books. I read most of them in a day. I feel good that I am attempting to do something so my brain isn't turned into mush. other than that I'm still alive

hmm

well progess is being made on the church website.

my body still hates me

I've got amazing friends

and this is my update.

what to say

Well, officially I am now 23. Almost 25 so I can rent a car fully without having to have insurance! I am looking fwd to that. But with being 25 that means I'm going to be 1/4 of a century... whoa that's crazy to think about.

Some cool things about my birthday- Which was June 14th-

June 14 is the 165th day of the year and there are 200 days remaining until the end of the year.
1777– The Stars and Stripes is adopted by Congress as the Flag of the United States
1937 – Pennsylvania becomes the first (and only) state of the United States to celebrate Flag Day officially as a state holiday.
1938 – Action Comics issue one was released, introducing Superman. (too funny! I share a birthday with superman.)

I share this birthday with
Alois Alzheimer, German physician
Donald Trump, American businessman and entrepreneur
Boy George, British singer
Jonathan Clare, English cricketer (born same year)
Lucy Hale, American actress
Daryl Sabara, American actor (the kid who played Juni Cortez in Spy Kids Movie)



So that is probably more info you wanted to know about
my birthday but I thought I'd share anyway.
Since it is flag day I have officially decided that I never really need to wear red, white and blue. Why? I'm born on flag day I don't need to be any more patriotic.

Superhero

As many of you know I have a very interesting life. Some people watch soap operas, I live in one! I get to be Super Aunt when Cayden decides he doesn't want the milk in his tummy any more. I get to help clean up and such.

So last night I think I've earned my final requirements to become a full member of the Super Hero Club.

My next task I need to earn my cape is find a side kick!

Here are some perks of being a sidekick-
10. You get to use the Hero's cape as a spare shower curtain.
9. Discounts for being part of his "Friends, Family & Sidekicks" cell phone plan
8. You're always first in line for the "hand-me-down" tights.
7. You look better in fall color outfits instead of the Hero's customary primary palate. 6.You get to meet all the up and coming super villans as they are chaining you to the railroad tracks.
5.The likelihood that you will be kidnapped by an evil mastermind is offset by being high on the Hero's list of people to rescue.
4. The Supervillain's sidekick often gets killed. You just get tied up a lot.
3. You don't have to deal with having your own pesky sidekick following you around.
2. Holy catch phrases, are your one liners cool!
1. What do you think happens when the Hero saves two incredibly hot damsels in distress?

Sorry I found that somewhere online and thought it was too funny

So if you are interested in becoming my sidekick let me know!

We get cool capes!