Sunday, January 10, 2010

on my mind

I'm not looking for sympathy, this is just what is on my mind.

Some days, well actually most, I wonder what did I do to become so lucky to enjoy the benefits of having FM. It's hard most days to keep going, but then Cayden says cute stuff like, "my lala."
What I've noticed about people they ask, "How are you doing?" How do I reply? "Truth is I'm in constant pain and I can't remember the last time I'm didn't feel pain." or "Well today I actually took a shower and got dressed to look like nothing is really wrong when it was so much work." I want to tell people that I'm tired of fighting, tired of pushing, tired of hurting, tired of being alone.
When I respond, "I'm upright and mobile." It gives a basic over view. When people want to know more I'll tell them just enough but its saddening that I can't respond positively when they ask. I'm trying to do everything that has been shown to work for some, but it doesn't for me.

I'm discouraged. I keep going but for how much longer? I'm like a car running on fumes, you know when you are running on empty and you should be out of gas right then but some how your still going. Yeah that's me. I'm running on empty and I don't know how much longer I can go.

Earlier this week after my assessment for the clinical trial for yoga for FM, I couldn't walk. My assessment was on Wed morning, Thursday yeah walking was BAD, like I was on the verge of throwing up the pain was so bad, lasted all day. Friday I could actually bend my legs without wanting to cry. Saturday was the first day I could walk without any limp and very slight pain but easily fatigued in my legs aka jelly feeling like.

Wondering what caused this?? Going from sitting to standing w/o assistance as many times as I could in 2 min. Good thing I didn't have to count. I think I got somewhere between 15-20 reps. This simple task caused that much pain. Not fair is it?? Welcome to my world.

Seeing as it is almost 3:30am and my alarm is going to sound at 7:30ish for me to get ready for church and such and to get my mom off my case, I need to attempt to sleep. That's another perk of having FM, not really being able to sleep.