behind the scenes

I posted this on my facecrack and thought it was applicable to here too

"I just wanted to share this with all my friends and family. I made the choice to have the gastric sleeve done to help facilitate weight loss, so I could become healthier. I currently do not have an end goal number I want to achieve. I want to be able to become a nurse and at my current status that wasn't going to happen. Some people may believe that this is an easy way out. I for one will tell you these past 8 days have been some of the hardest I've ever done. I know it will become easier for me as time goes along but this isn't easy. I have to consume 60-80 grams of protein and consume 64 oz of fluid in a day, everyday. Right now the 'rules' are little different in how I get it but once I've reached stage 4 of my recovery I will be allowed to drink a drink 30 min before a meal and 30 min after a meal. I need to eat every 2-3 hours and take at least 30 min to eat. 

Some people have reminded me that I'm beautiful now, why do I need to change? They are correct, I am beautiful now but I am not healthy. I want to live a full and happy life. I want to become a nurse to help take care of babies and kids. I can't do that at the size I am right now. God has a plan for me and this is a part of his plan. I'm excited that you'll be a witness to this journey of change."

Update on my life!

Well I am currently 3 days post-op from a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  I'm extremely thankful that I finally had the chance to do this. This surgery will save my life. Currently I'm still recovering. I'm kinda scatterbrained right now since I've recently taken my pain meds. 

This is me...not just because I shaved my head

“There will come a time when you want to cut off all your hair. Do it. Realise that the thing you want rid of doesn’t lie in the long curls that frame your face so perfectly. Live with short hair for a while. It’ll grow. You won’t always want to talk to people. That’s okay. When it’s late and you hear your friends talking in the next room, you don’t have to join them. You’re allowed your solitude. It makes company sweeter and it teaches you how to survive alone. You will need that skill. In the winter, you’ll believe that nothing will ever grow again. You’re wrong. Every year, London looks like it’s on its last legs, wheezing through those last cold days in March. Every year, spring comes like an explosion and the city shakes off its sleep.

Mundane problems will get the better of you sometimes. Don’t worry. Try as you might, life cannot be an endless, beautiful, intense moment. Find comfort in money worries and late trains; they’re a welcome rest in between heartbreaks and breakdowns.

People will call you a cynic, a wry smile on their faces. Pay them no mind. You alone know that you are capable of a love greater than anything they can comprehend. You alone know that you are not willing to sell your identity and respect to the first smirking halfwit to pass by. It is not cynicism. It is reverence for your own vast and fathomless heart, and it makes sense only to love someone who understands that and is awed by it.

You will not always get what you want when you want it. Accept it. Your goals are not set in stone and you are not on a fixed trajectory. Sometimes, life will take its time and you will have to play the long, interminable game. Play it well and with as much grace as you can muster. Live at your own pace.

At night, you will occasionally wake up afraid, wanting to die. Don’t give in. Night plays its tricks, but you are not so easily fooled. Your mind will play its tricks, too. It will make you believe that you’re not who you are, but you must not give in. You take a breath and you tell yourself that you are here. That you always were.” — Practical Advice for Difficult Women (#20 - 9th December)