Saturday, November 28, 2009


Thanksgiving has come and gone and now I am getting ready for Christmas. I will be having a long Christmas, first performance is on the 5th @ The Grotto "Christmas Festival of Lights

In which I do have a solo and yes I'm freaking out!

Then we have our church's Evening in December program, in which I will again have the same solo... we are running Evening in December for 3 nights. December 11th-13th which is Friday-Sunday Night. Its a great night full of comedy, carols, songs and a twist on the traditional Christmas story. Its a fun filled family night. That's all I can think of right now.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I forgot about this thing

Haha I totally forgot about this thing. Well I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've worked on the Church's website, been teaching ESL, working on my costume for Halloween, being an auntie and just trying to live.

Also I got a tattoo! woo I'm such a rebel

I love it!

Thursday, September 24, 2009


hmm, I'm still me, still in pain all the time but i keep on going. Cayden is learning more and more signs. I'm enjoying reading lots and lots of books. I read most of them in a day. I feel good that I am attempting to do something so my brain isn't turned into mush. other than that I'm still alive

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


well progess is being made on the church website.

my body still hates me

I've got amazing friends

and this is my update.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

what to say

Well, officially I am now 23. Almost 25 so I can rent a car fully without having to have insurance! I am looking fwd to that. But with being 25 that means I'm going to be 1/4 of a century... whoa that's crazy to think about.

Some cool things about my birthday- Which was June 14th-

June 14 is the 165th day of the year and there are 200 days remaining until the end of the year.
1777– The Stars and Stripes is adopted by Congress as the Flag of the United States

1937 – Pennsylvania becomes the first (and only) state of the United States to celebrate Flag Day officially as a state holiday.

1938 – Action Comics issue one was released, introducing Superman. (too funny! I share a birthday with superman.)

I share this birthday with
Alois Alzheimer, German physician
Donald Trump, American businessman and entrepreneur

Boy George, British singer
Jonathan Clare, English cricketer (born same year)

Lucy Hale, American actress

Daryl Sabara, American actor (the kid who played Juni Cortez in Spy Kids Movie)

So that is probably more info you wanted to know about
my birthday but I thought I'd
share anyway.
Since it is flag day I have officially decided that I never really need to wear red, white and blue. Why? I'm born on flag day I don't need to be any more patriotic.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


As many of you know I have a very interesting life. Some people watch soap operas, I live in one! I get to be Super Aunt when Cayden decides he doesn't want the milk in his tummy any more. I get to help clean up and such.

So last night I think I've earned my final requiremen
ts to become a full member of the Super Hero Club.

My next task I need to earn my cape is find a side kick!

Here are some perks of being a sidekick-
10. You get to use the Hero's cape as a spare shower curtain.
9. Discounts for being part of his "Friends, Family & Sidekicks" cell phone plan
8. You're always first in line for the "hand-me-down" tights.

7. You look better in fall color outfits instead of the Hero's customary primary palate.
6.You get to meet all the up and coming super villans as they are chaining you to the railroad tracks.
5.The likelihood that you will be kidnapped by an evil mastermind is offset by being high on the Hero's list of people to rescue.
4. The Supervillain's sidekick often gets killed. You just get tied up a lot.

3. You don't have to deal with having your own pesky sidekick following you around.
2. Holy catch phrases, are your one liners cool!
1. What do you think happens when the Hero saves two incredibly hot damsels in distress?

Sorry I found that somewhere online and thought it was too funny

So if you are interested in becoming my sidekick let me know!

We get cool capes!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun. Mr. Golden Sun...

This is a post to the sunshine

We don't get to see each other that often. So it was a wonderful day to spend time in your beauty. But now I don't like you.

I sit outside in your beauty and warmth. What do I get in return? My skin to turn a wonderful shade of red. I come outside to enjoy you and this is what I get. Honestly I should sue you! But alas your a big ball of gas and if anyone came near you they would burn up instantly. So no one can get a hold of you.

I've also wondered how come you wear sunglasses. Shouldn't everyone else should since your so bright. You wouldn't need them because you are not looking at yourself.

Well this all I'm going to say about you. I need to reapply some Aloe Vera to my wonderful sunburn that you have given me.


PS- Next time you come out have some non-rain clouds join you so it wouldn't be so hot out. And I've missed you a little bit!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

is it summer?

I'm doing alright. crazy crazy things have been happening. I'm still trying to learn stuff about myself... not too sure im doing so hot on that. But hey they didn't build rome in a day.

I was at the church Thursday to visit Stephen. Stephen had to run around and do stuff so I got his office to myself to work on Media Shout. Well his desk was too messy for me to work, so what did I do. I cleaned it! He's been stressing out about stuff so I thought I'd be nice and clean his desk. He's so far only had to ask me about where 1 thing was. I count that as being good. I don't mind doing organizational stuff once in a while, it sometimes is a stress relief for me. so yay for clean desks.

er... I forgot what I was going to say next...oh yeah now I remember.

My right ear has been hurting for a couple days, I was thinking joy- an ear infection. But I went to the doctors and it wasn't. Hurray! Just my normal eustation tube stuff. So I got a rx of sudafed and its working. I also discovered that when I put an ear plug in that ear it relieves some of the pressure. I was bored and I had ear plugs so I tried it.

Cayden is still handsome as can be. Growing up faster than you'd imagine. This kid is only 13 months and he WALKED, not crawled but walked up our front porch stairs all by himself. Now that's pretty stinking cool!

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Ben-gay is Evil!! I put it on my lower back and well it burned. I could handle it then it burned even more. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I started to cry. Then it started to cool down, it was fine once it cooled down. Or so I thought. It started to burn even more. I cried once again. I went out to my mom she cleaned off what was left. Ok I'm good. Wrong again. Burning once again. This time I tried ice packs. Well it finally stopped burning or I was just too tired. I went to sleep I really didn't want to get up this morning.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


So today was a very long and boring day. Last night I had the urge to organize, so what did I do? I folded Cayden's clothes. Yes I went through his clothes sorted them out, shirts, pants and pj's. I enjoyed it. It calmed me down. But don't expect me to do it often. Today was tons of fun. Today I had to run the sound and media stuff for the Mother's Day thing. All I have to say is UGH! I am tired and I can't sleep. Yes its almost 8pm but I'm not even tired, my lower back is killing me. I need to do trigger point on it and maybe some bengay stuff. Today's weather has been crazy and hurts me. One day I will not have any hurt. That day may not be on this earth but I will.
Some friend told me that I suffer more than people see. Which is very true. I can't wait for that day when my suffering stops. I'd rather give everything I have to make people around me happy than myself. Yes I know its not good for me, I am working on this. Sometimes people don't realize how hard I push myself and how far I push myself beyond the point I should. I know I have those around me when in my time of need they will be there for me. I don't use those helps because I have a hard time letting go of my independence. I don't get to let my independence get away from me because I feel like I am losing a part of me. I can't wait to find that someone who I can let my guard down around them.
I'm watching this show called Physic Kids. Its kinda cool. I am interested in it. Its like me being interested in past lives and such. I can't prove it but its fun to look at and discover. Its like with anything as long as you don't let it run your life.
My thought trains have left the station.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Don't do this

So in times when I'm bored or don't have anything to do or when I just space out because of my meds, my mind thinks of very weird things. On my way to Sweet Home to see Michelle and James become husband and wife, I decided I couldn't ever be Jewish. Your probably wondering why, well this is my reason. I like pig products too much. That's the only real reason I could think of. Well recently I let my mind go on another adventure in my ponderingisms.
My newest one is I wonder if I'll ever have cancer. Strange thing to think about. Yes I know. Then while on this topic I wondered if I had to have chemo and such other treatments if they would put my FM (fibromyalgia for those not paying attention) into remission or remove it all the way. Then I also was thinking if I had strong chemo I would not have to shave my legs, I am/was sorta looking forward to that perk. Yes I know chemo is a nasty nasty thing and is really hard on the body but hey I would not have to shave my legs. I was pretty freaking excited. Back to the remission ideals of FM, then I thought about it some more and realized if it did put it in remission why not try to figure out why it went into remission with the chemo and such. Then I would make a breakthrough within the FM world. I'd become a superhero to those with FM and I'd try and leave in the perk of not having to shave legs but keeping our head hair.I'd find ways to make the medicine only remove leg hairs, not head hairs. Some day that will be possible, most likely in my life time but eventually.
Its sometimes hard for me to not let my mind wonder. I get off these tangents and have no hope of going back to what I was originally thinking of. Also in my head random songs will pop in my head triggered by a phrase or what not. As I've once said, There is a musical going on in my head and only I can hear it.
And no I'm not hearing voices just songs. Just random songs.
Well now that i've scared people off have a wonderful week and be safe!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Today is Easter for those who have been living under a rock. Easter is the remembrance of when Jesus rose from the grave. He died on friday and rose again in 3 days. Isn't it amazing that Jesus died for us. He went through so much pain and God waited until the timing was correct for him to raise his only son. I live in pain everyday. That is nothing new for me. I've gotten two years under my belt. I keep thinking of the day when I wont hurt anymore. It may not be while I am here on Earth but I know when I am in heaven I wont hurt. I'm not rushing that process to get to Heaven one bit, but I'm so excited for that day.
Someone once told me that the pain Jesus felt was the sin of everyone who was living, who lived and who was going to live in the future. So our sins, our children's sin, our great-great-great-great-grandparents sin, I can't imagine how much that hurt. I can understand why Jesus said,
"Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46. I know that when I hurt so much I become angry. I feel so descouraged when I can't do the simplest things. Like opening a bag, or even walking. I get so upset because I've lost some of who I was.
On those days where it hurts the most. I can't think I can make it I somehow find the strength to make it through. That strength only comes from God. No one else can explain it to me. In my weakest times God is there to pick me up. I've been working on being able to trust God more.
So this Easter think of what Jesus did for us. He died for us so that we can live and not have to live in hell once we die.
He has Risen for you and me! He has Risen indeed!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Warning this is just a rant.

April 6th, 2007 I got my official diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Which for those who are not that great with math, that makes it two years of having this. These past two years haven't been easy. Some days it has been hell, well make that most days. I'm normally able to just handle it on my own, but recently I've been getting tired of doing this on my own. Yes I have friends and family to help and encourage me along but I need that person who will be at my side to help me. That has been the hardest thing for me. I sometimes feel like did I do something so wrong that I have to do this on my own? I've learned that when my times I have no strength and I need to get through something, God gives me the strength to make it through, sometimes it does not happen.

This is also been a time to remember and learn how to take the little things as a blessing. I am truly excited when I can make it a whole day without having to take a nap, or even when I can walk around a store and not hurt. Some people can see my actions as selfish but I have to be. I need to take care of myself and put myself first. Someone once told me, "Love yourself before you can love others." I take that and run with it to say, "If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others."

If I tell you I can't do it, I know I can't. Most times I push myself for other people and don't get the return I expect. So I am learning that I can't do that, it causes me more trouble than benefits.

Okay I have no idea where this is going. My mind is weird because of my pain meds. First hour or so after I take my meds, I get the "high" effect.

Well take care

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Big boy

Cayden took his first steps without any help! Such a big boy. I had a feeling it was coming to that point. He is able to stand on my bed with out me holding him anywhere and that in its self is a task. Watch out world Cayden is getting ready to walk on his own!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

void of emotions

Have you ever been just void of emotions?

That's how I feel today. I slept through church today. Its okay, I didn't have any obligations today. It was nice knowing no one was counting on me being there. I'm just trying to deal with some crap other than my FM. I've just lost a friend, no they didn't die or anything, we've just stopped talking for reasons unknown to me, but whatever. It just hard to deal with. I was really close to that person. Their loss not mine, they lost out on an amazing person.

I've been having better days, less down in the dumps. These past couple of days are just sad days.

I took Cayden into my room and he was sitting on my bed and I put up on the bed one of my Elephants. This elephant is from Disney Store and is all white. Cayden was all excited. Even during that time with him I was forcing a smile on my face.

People keep telling me that things will get better. I am just wondering, when will it happen? I am tired of waiting, tired of being hurt, tired of being stuck. I know I will become unstuck eventually. I just want to be free a little bit. People try to comfort me but it doesn't work. I don't want any pity party either. I just want to someone will be there, other than my friends and family. I am asking too much, that's all.

Well I'll update later.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Whats going on

Well, today I pre-ordered my copy of Twilight! I'm only slightly excited. I've read all the books in the series. There will be a viewing party at Amy's house. But I will be viewing it before hand. hehe!

Today I also learned that I can put most of my hair in a pony tail and then use those claw clip things to hold my hair. Yay! I'm working towards my long hair again. Next step in the growth is when I have to pull it out from when I put a shirt on. I'm looking forward to it. Then I will be able to french braid it. I'm very excited about it. I miss my long hair. I don't miss the thickness. A blessed curse from which came from my Madre's side of the family. I will always have enough hair.

That all I can think of. I am craving some sushi. OOO Amy.

Monday, March 16, 2009

week 1

Well this is week on on my new pain medicine. So far so good. They take my pain away but I am still getting used to the 'high' feeling. I've been dealing with nausea and such but that is getting better. So I am glad I'm getting relief. I've been catching up on sleep. Which I've needed. I get hot flashes from it tho. Oh well.
I haven't been eating that much. I maybe get one meal a day. I'm just not hungry. I have been eating better. This morning I actually had breakfast. So I am getting stuff to eat its just not a whole lot.
Yesterday I stopped by the nursery after sunday school to see Cayden. I picked him up and then I had to go because I was doing the projectors. I'm closing the gate and I hear him screw/shout, "aNNNNNN." Which is his sound for me, more of a 'N' sound. I think it comes from me being called Auntie. He was so upset that I was leaving him there. So now I have not go in there.
Last night I went to see him down in his room that he shares with his parents. Well he needed a diaper change. Let me give you some background on this next part. My mom coughs a lot from her asthma. So thats how we find each other in stores. I have to fake cough to find her. Well back to changing diaper. I was holding his hands up above his head so he wouldn't touch down in diaper zone. I would start fake coughing and Cayden would copy it, followed by laughing. He is already learning to fake cough. Its really cute.
He is very smart. He waves bye bye, fake coughs, can sign 'more', almost walking, cut his first tooth, says 'i ni ni' when he gets really tired. That's all I can think of right now I know there is more but my mind is drawing a blank.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

PS- My friend/former co-worker Kirsten, her brother's wife Emily delievered their daughter, Elise Laine at 27 and 6/7 weeks. So please keep them in your prayers. Kirsten is also pregnant with her second child, pray that everything goes well with that. You can check out their blogs to see how they are both doing.

Monday, March 9, 2009


Well, today I called my doctor and wanted to try this new pain mtg protocol. So this may just be gibberish to most people but here is what my idea is. There is an extended release morphine, where it releases slowly so its a constant flow of morphine. There is also a quick release morphine, where is in your body very quickly. My idea with the help of input from other chronic pain people is to try this extended release morphine with using the quick release one for break through pain. I was hoping that my doctor would give me the chance of trying this without any questions and she did. So now I am now trying this mixture. I hope it helps I'm so tired of hurting so much that I can't really function. Or when I function its in short bursts. I miss the old me. The one who didn't have to worry about hurting or functioning or whatever. Well that is my story and I'm sticking to it!

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Well seeing as its saturday and I had my wonderful flare up on thursday, you'd assume that I'm not hurting as much. Well I am not hurting that much but I am still hurting. Life is kinda sucking. I'm running low on pain pills so I am rationing I have to wait for monday to get my refill. I'm dealing. I may skip church on sunday. Haven't decided yet. But who knows. I need to work on gettiny my pain levels down. hopefully seeing this pain managment specialist will help some. I'm trying so hard to not let my pain levels get me down. Its just hard most days. I'd love to be out doing things but I have a hard time. Oh well. Things don't always work out the way we want. Thursday it was like my body had a migrane. Its coming back today. Oh well. I just have to deal. My doctor isn't in the office today and there is nothing they can do for me w/o her approval. Stupid opitate therapy plan. I mean its good but my plan right now is so innaffective. And I don't know how to have it work effectivly for me. So hopefully pain mtg will help me with that. Enough of me venting.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Pain, pain go away, don't come back another day.

Excuse my french. Today was HELL. I was doing great this morning then all of sudden I started hurting. So it ramped up and eventually hit 9 3/4 on a pain scale of 10. I didn't know what to do. Basically I can't go be seen at urgent care or emergency room because I have an opiate therapy plan which basically means only my Primary doctor can prescribe me narcotic drugs. Well today I ended up having to go get a injection of morphine to help bring my pain levels down. I am still hurting but I feel semi bit better. So for those who read this can you keep me in your prayers, I will be seeing a pain management specialist at the start of April. I hope this helps bring me some pain relief. I need it. Or at least find some combo or something to help some with the pain.

But there is some cuteness involved in this. My mom left work early to help me out today. She was holding Cayden and he looks at me with a look of concern. Like Aunt Lois what's the matter your not yourself. Then my mom put him down to play and he was very quiet and calm. Its amazing to see that happen in real life. We don't give babies the credit they deserve. They are smarter than we think and are able to pick up on things.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Today has not been a good day.
I went to go lay down this morning after running out of energy while playing with Cayden. Got into my bed and as soon as I did my lower back deiced that it was going to spaz out on me. I couldn't move. I start freaking out. What do I do? I called my mom and she wasn't sure what to do. Eventually my sister came in my room gave me some of my drugs and I fell asleep. I was awoken by her sometime later for another reason. I got up attempted to walk around, made some lunch and went back to my bed. Yes my back was still hurting then. I wake up again due to some heartburn and all I want is a massage. Someone to come rub my back!
This is my day in a nut shell. I am not really saying this but just thinking it, what else can go wrong?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Princess and the Pea is me


I've become the princess I disdained as a child. I'll prove my
royal blood; put twenty mattresses between me and that pea.
My bones will feel its sharp, hard curve, here, at the small
of my back. I am only sick, I am not dying, no faster than I was before.

I want to stretch my muscles across
the cool length of the blue pool. I want to walk four miles a day
in the rainforest, through the cedars, beneath the eagles and herons.
I want to laugh from the middle of my belly so hard my breasts bounce.

I want to throw Clancy's ball one hundred times in a row.
Instead, I consider the purchase of a stylish cane, one with an animal
head to hold in my aching hand. I've become cranky and rude. I eat
off paper plates, drink from plastic glasses. China and silver fade under dust on the shelves.

I want to be back where I was before.
I want to wrap my legs around another body. I want to earn hard
breathing. I want to build my own garden wall, bend to place
seeds in the black earth with my own hand. I want to wake in the quiet morning glad for the day in front of me and the dreams behind.

I want to lie in the sun all long afternoon, hot and easy and
dazed by good fortune. I want to bicycle down the hill with Elizabeth.
How do others move through this with such grace and good manners?

My days are short as winter solstice, even in summer heat. I have no
desire left, except for sleep, solitude, a feathered bed. No, sorry, I'm
too tired, too many people at parties, too much noise in the streets.
There is no prince. There is no heaven. There is no sleep.

This is kinda what my life is like. I don't remember where I found this but I really like it

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Going off the babies post

People often wonder what names would people name their children.

I've got a couple that mean a lot to me.

My first girl her name will be Lottie. I don't have a middle name for her yet but Lottie is from my Great Aunt Charlotte. She was a wonderful woman, whom many people loved. I like the name Charlotte but I would call my daughter Lottie any way so why not name her in honor of Char.

My boy I like the name Colby Xander. But I know a Colby and I want something common but un-common. I also have a lot of family names I could use. But when the time comes when I am married and with someone who I love so very much we will pick a name together.

That is my rant, for now!

Pain and other stuff

Pain sucks. I've lived with constant pain for about 2/3 years now. Its not fun. Today was a day where I just rested. I slept till 6pm tonight. And its 9pm and I'm read to go back to bed. It seriously drains everything from you. My mind doesn't work as it used to. I forget things more often. I tend to not want people to touch me, its not that I don't want the touch its I am scared that they will touch me in the wrong place and cause me to hurt. The worst part of everything is that when rain falls on me it hurts. I've gotten better with that but somedays it still affects me. I can sleep and sleep and still not feel better.

Cayden is growing more and more each day. He can sign for "more". It's so cute, but usually he just makes this noise "MMMM". Sometimes it sounds like more. On valentines day I was at the church for a young adults shin-dig and I was giving Samantha a kiss goodnight because she was so sleepy. Cayden who was on the other end of a section of chairs in the sanctuary saw me doing this and would make some loud noise to get my attention. It was like he was saying, "Hey why are you doing that? that's for me!" He knows who he wants and when he wants them.

I've got a migraine coming on. UGH! well Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that junk.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Babies, Babies, Babies. I just want to do my quick shout out to all those who are recently born. Trevin, Gavin, Britton, Keanan, Wesley and any other babies that were born recently into my life. Each one of you boys (and girls if i forgot someone) were born into a family. A family that loves you and was so excited to meet you. I am also excited to meet each one of you. Trevin, I have not met you or your brother yet. Your mom and I were roommates while we were students at NNU. Your mother is an amazing person, loving, caring, fun and just plain awesome. Gavin & Britton, the things your Grampa Tony will teach you. I am your mother's cousin. I am excited that you both were born healthy and beautiful. Your father is a great dad and super excited to see you both. If you fart or anything blame it on grandpa Tony not the doggies. Keanan, your mother and father both love you so very much and you are entering into a family of love. Wesley, you are going to grow up in a family who is so excited to see you and to watch you grow up.
To each one of you I welcome you.

For an update on my nephew, he took his first steps. I am so proud of him next thing we will know we can't catch him. He such a smart kid. One day I will be able to share my love with my own child. I can't wait for that day.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tip of the day-

Don't smell the anointing oil. It stinks.