Sunday, April 26, 2009

Don't do this

So in times when I'm bored or don't have anything to do or when I just space out because of my meds, my mind thinks of very weird things. On my way to Sweet Home to see Michelle and James become husband and wife, I decided I couldn't ever be Jewish. Your probably wondering why, well this is my reason. I like pig products too much. That's the only real reason I could think of. Well recently I let my mind go on another adventure in my ponderingisms.
My newest one is I wonder if I'll ever have cancer. Strange thing to think about. Yes I know. Then while on this topic I wondered if I had to have chemo and such other treatments if they would put my FM (fibromyalgia for those not paying attention) into remission or remove it all the way. Then I also was thinking if I had strong chemo I would not have to shave my legs, I am/was sorta looking forward to that perk. Yes I know chemo is a nasty nasty thing and is really hard on the body but hey I would not have to shave my legs. I was pretty freaking excited. Back to the remission ideals of FM, then I thought about it some more and realized if it did put it in remission why not try to figure out why it went into remission with the chemo and such. Then I would make a breakthrough within the FM world. I'd become a superhero to those with FM and I'd try and leave in the perk of not having to shave legs but keeping our head hair.I'd find ways to make the medicine only remove leg hairs, not head hairs. Some day that will be possible, most likely in my life time but eventually.
Its sometimes hard for me to not let my mind wonder. I get off these tangents and have no hope of going back to what I was originally thinking of. Also in my head random songs will pop in my head triggered by a phrase or what not. As I've once said, There is a musical going on in my head and only I can hear it.
And no I'm not hearing voices just songs. Just random songs.
Well now that i've scared people off have a wonderful week and be safe!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Today is Easter for those who have been living under a rock. Easter is the remembrance of when Jesus rose from the grave. He died on friday and rose again in 3 days. Isn't it amazing that Jesus died for us. He went through so much pain and God waited until the timing was correct for him to raise his only son. I live in pain everyday. That is nothing new for me. I've gotten two years under my belt. I keep thinking of the day when I wont hurt anymore. It may not be while I am here on Earth but I know when I am in heaven I wont hurt. I'm not rushing that process to get to Heaven one bit, but I'm so excited for that day.
Someone once told me that the pain Jesus felt was the sin of everyone who was living, who lived and who was going to live in the future. So our sins, our children's sin, our great-great-great-great-grandparents sin, I can't imagine how much that hurt. I can understand why Jesus said,
"Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Matthew 27:46. I know that when I hurt so much I become angry. I feel so descouraged when I can't do the simplest things. Like opening a bag, or even walking. I get so upset because I've lost some of who I was.
On those days where it hurts the most. I can't think I can make it I somehow find the strength to make it through. That strength only comes from God. No one else can explain it to me. In my weakest times God is there to pick me up. I've been working on being able to trust God more.
So this Easter think of what Jesus did for us. He died for us so that we can live and not have to live in hell once we die.
He has Risen for you and me! He has Risen indeed!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Warning this is just a rant.

April 6th, 2007 I got my official diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Which for those who are not that great with math, that makes it two years of having this. These past two years haven't been easy. Some days it has been hell, well make that most days. I'm normally able to just handle it on my own, but recently I've been getting tired of doing this on my own. Yes I have friends and family to help and encourage me along but I need that person who will be at my side to help me. That has been the hardest thing for me. I sometimes feel like did I do something so wrong that I have to do this on my own? I've learned that when my times I have no strength and I need to get through something, God gives me the strength to make it through, sometimes it does not happen.

This is also been a time to remember and learn how to take the little things as a blessing. I am truly excited when I can make it a whole day without having to take a nap, or even when I can walk around a store and not hurt. Some people can see my actions as selfish but I have to be. I need to take care of myself and put myself first. Someone once told me, "Love yourself before you can love others." I take that and run with it to say, "If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others."

If I tell you I can't do it, I know I can't. Most times I push myself for other people and don't get the return I expect. So I am learning that I can't do that, it causes me more trouble than benefits.

Okay I have no idea where this is going. My mind is weird because of my pain meds. First hour or so after I take my meds, I get the "high" effect.

Well take care