Friday, February 27, 2009


Today has not been a good day.
I went to go lay down this morning after running out of energy while playing with Cayden. Got into my bed and as soon as I did my lower back deiced that it was going to spaz out on me. I couldn't move. I start freaking out. What do I do? I called my mom and she wasn't sure what to do. Eventually my sister came in my room gave me some of my drugs and I fell asleep. I was awoken by her sometime later for another reason. I got up attempted to walk around, made some lunch and went back to my bed. Yes my back was still hurting then. I wake up again due to some heartburn and all I want is a massage. Someone to come rub my back!
This is my day in a nut shell. I am not really saying this but just thinking it, what else can go wrong?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Princess and the Pea is me


I've become the princess I disdained as a child. I'll prove my
royal blood; put twenty mattresses between me and that pea.
My bones will feel its sharp, hard curve, here, at the small
of my back. I am only sick, I am not dying, no faster than I was before.

I want to stretch my muscles across
the cool length of the blue pool. I want to walk four miles a day
in the rainforest, through the cedars, beneath the eagles and herons.
I want to laugh from the middle of my belly so hard my breasts bounce.

I want to throw Clancy's ball one hundred times in a row.
Instead, I consider the purchase of a stylish cane, one with an animal
head to hold in my aching hand. I've become cranky and rude. I eat
off paper plates, drink from plastic glasses. China and silver fade under dust on the shelves.

I want to be back where I was before.
I want to wrap my legs around another body. I want to earn hard
breathing. I want to build my own garden wall, bend to place
seeds in the black earth with my own hand. I want to wake in the quiet morning glad for the day in front of me and the dreams behind.

I want to lie in the sun all long afternoon, hot and easy and
dazed by good fortune. I want to bicycle down the hill with Elizabeth.
How do others move through this with such grace and good manners?

My days are short as winter solstice, even in summer heat. I have no
desire left, except for sleep, solitude, a feathered bed. No, sorry, I'm
too tired, too many people at parties, too much noise in the streets.
There is no prince. There is no heaven. There is no sleep.

This is kinda what my life is like. I don't remember where I found this but I really like it

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Going off the babies post

People often wonder what names would people name their children.

I've got a couple that mean a lot to me.

My first girl her name will be Lottie. I don't have a middle name for her yet but Lottie is from my Great Aunt Charlotte. She was a wonderful woman, whom many people loved. I like the name Charlotte but I would call my daughter Lottie any way so why not name her in honor of Char.

My boy I like the name Colby Xander. But I know a Colby and I want something common but un-common. I also have a lot of family names I could use. But when the time comes when I am married and with someone who I love so very much we will pick a name together.

That is my rant, for now!

Pain and other stuff

Pain sucks. I've lived with constant pain for about 2/3 years now. Its not fun. Today was a day where I just rested. I slept till 6pm tonight. And its 9pm and I'm read to go back to bed. It seriously drains everything from you. My mind doesn't work as it used to. I forget things more often. I tend to not want people to touch me, its not that I don't want the touch its I am scared that they will touch me in the wrong place and cause me to hurt. The worst part of everything is that when rain falls on me it hurts. I've gotten better with that but somedays it still affects me. I can sleep and sleep and still not feel better.

Cayden is growing more and more each day. He can sign for "more". It's so cute, but usually he just makes this noise "MMMM". Sometimes it sounds like more. On valentines day I was at the church for a young adults shin-dig and I was giving Samantha a kiss goodnight because she was so sleepy. Cayden who was on the other end of a section of chairs in the sanctuary saw me doing this and would make some loud noise to get my attention. It was like he was saying, "Hey why are you doing that? that's for me!" He knows who he wants and when he wants them.

I've got a migraine coming on. UGH! well Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that junk.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Babies, Babies, Babies. I just want to do my quick shout out to all those who are recently born. Trevin, Gavin, Britton, Keanan, Wesley and any other babies that were born recently into my life. Each one of you boys (and girls if i forgot someone) were born into a family. A family that loves you and was so excited to meet you. I am also excited to meet each one of you. Trevin, I have not met you or your brother yet. Your mom and I were roommates while we were students at NNU. Your mother is an amazing person, loving, caring, fun and just plain awesome. Gavin & Britton, the things your Grampa Tony will teach you. I am your mother's cousin. I am excited that you both were born healthy and beautiful. Your father is a great dad and super excited to see you both. If you fart or anything blame it on grandpa Tony not the doggies. Keanan, your mother and father both love you so very much and you are entering into a family of love. Wesley, you are going to grow up in a family who is so excited to see you and to watch you grow up.
To each one of you I welcome you.

For an update on my nephew, he took his first steps. I am so proud of him next thing we will know we can't catch him. He such a smart kid. One day I will be able to share my love with my own child. I can't wait for that day.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tip of the day-

Don't smell the anointing oil. It stinks.